I woke up rather early this morning because an text message came in around 7.08am. Unlike most fully employed souls of this increasing capitalist world, i have been spending more years in school being educated, perhaps more than what was necessary by most people’s standard.
The text message was an invitation (or rather urgent request) to an emceeing gig for an International Conference at the Kuala Lumpur Conventional Center. Instantly, I was feeling like an Owen Yap wanna-be! I could SOON be embodying the post-modern hip SELF, a multiple self titles such as newscaster/model/artiste/….
Yet, I didn’t agree to host the event because unlike most of my “sit-around” day, i’ve got plans today: a lunch with a dear friend (Dr. Adliah Mohd. Ali) and attending a baby’s full month party at 6pm. So, for the record, i was not saying “NO” because i wanted more money for the 10am to 6pm gig! I am after all, not “Oven” Yap! I couldn’t possibly make demands like that!
I was wide awake after those thoughts had ran through my head. This was 7.30am!
I got up and finished my breakfast. While washing up at the kitchen, i proudly told the aunt, who came to visit his son-my dear friend, that I was going out for lunch with friend this afternoon just to have a small talk with her. Her reply worth “million dollar”! She said, “your friend also don’t work like you”? I did manage to put a smile on my face and said, “no the only person who isn’t working in this world is me”.
Even i was wide awake earlier, this was an awakening moment! Well, not that i was going to go to a construction site and find work there. :”) Soon but not TODAY. First, she really spoke her mind and what’s playing in her mind was “why aren’t you working?”. She didn’t say it directly of course but her replied was classic, don’t you think?! :”). She meant no harm but maybe it was just a Freudian slip!
“your friend also don’t work like you”?
Suddenly i felt bad for Dr. Adliah Mohd Ali, an UKM trained pharmacist, a successful career woman who will soon received her PhD! Because she was associated with me as a friend, she was, in my aunt mind, perceived to be “an unemployed friend” of mine! To her it was probably logical just like druggies befriend druggies! It is logical to me as well because Doctors befriend doctors! except, this one is unemployed!
When I was at the Internet cafe filling up and sending off some resumes yesterday, the gentleman sitting next to me was browsing a job searching site. As i opened my RESUME, the ikanpatin, PhD. was parading in front of me reminding me of my shame of having a PhD but unemployed. But that did not awaken me. But the phrase “your friend also don’t work like you” DID the job this morning.
One can only lie to the self for so many times, once it passes a certain frequency of repetition the lie becomes reality, or it could become reality.
In my regular midnight chat with a dear friend, Ling, yesterday, I told her i wonder why people need constant narratives to convince themselves about their decisions. For example, newly engaged couples tell practically everyone in the world how they met, how they got together as if they have to convince the world they’re now “we”! Married couples with children tell their friends how they are so busy with their kids and family now they have to spend less time with friends and on themselves. They are telling their friends, “look, we’re married with children now and have different sets of priorities and we have all the reasons to be what we are!”
Constantly telling somethings to others may just be a way to reassure one self. But once something or some decision needs reassurance, doesn’t it actually reflect doubts and uncertainties?
Yes, I am awake and is awaken. Off to take a shower and leave the house! I’m treating Dr. Adliah to a movie with Jen Aniston!